Welcome Home 2025
How has another year come & gone so quickly?
Well my dear friends, the year has come to a close, and as one does, I am trying to wrap up my year in a neat and succinct way. A futile plan, as 2024 was possibly my messiest and most complicated year yet.
When the ball dropped a year ago, I was sitting in my apartment with Emma (my very chill and cool roommate), thinking about the year ahead. I expected, and hoped, that 2024 would be a year of stillness, since 2023 had been a pretty intense year in terms of pushing me outside my comfort zone. (You can read last year’s recap here.) Instead, it was filled with chaos, tears, laughter, unrelenting fear, and, thankfully, more love than I sometimes knew what to do with.
The year started out with promise. I had just returned home from an incredible month-long visit to Seoul to see my best friend Rebecca - a once in a lifetime trip for me. I left a job that drained me in all the worst ways. I finally felt the relief of healing heart. I was ready for something new.
And something new found me! In March, I received an offer for a full time job in education at a local history museum. When I turned 26 in May, I thought I was on the verge of the best year of my life. I spent 25 learning about myself and the life I wanted to lead. So, 26 felt like the year I would actually start living that life.
However, my darling, dearest brain synapses had a different plan for me, and I steadily spiraled deeper and deeper into what I would soon understand was OCD. The thoughts were just whispers at first, but by July, I was in the most difficult time period of my adult life. As it so often goes, from the outside, everything looked fine. I went to work, spent time with friends both old and new, played in my four square league, went on dates, took a writing class, and even traveled internationally.
From the inside, it felt like my brain was constantly on fire, and no matter what I tried, nothing could put the fire out. Everything I came in contact with - door handles, people, streets, clothes, bathrooms, animals, anything - was a threat to my brain. I spent most of my days (unsuccessfully) trying to convince myself that basic tasks were not going to cause harm to me or people around me. Or that I hadn’t done something truly horrible and forgotten about it. Or that the food I was eating wasn’t a carrier for some disease. Or that spots and bumps on my body were not from unseen poisonous creatures or signs of cancers. Or, or, or… I think you probably get the point. Every day ended in exhaustion, and truly I could not imagine a single day without these thoughts burning up my brain.
(If you want to know more about some of what I was experiencing, check out this post.)
I am beyond relieved to share, after months of targeted ERP therapy and medication management, I do go days without my brain feeling like it is on fire. I can do things I could not even dream of doing this summer - shop at thrift stores again, hug my dogs, kiss my cat, and even eat peanut M&Ms from a 20-lb tub (if you know, you know). I definitely still have moments, sometimes even days or weeks, where the fire burns without stop, but I know it won’t last forever.
In the midst of this chaos, my friends and my family supported me without fail. My parents let me (and Jiji of course) stay with them for a couple of weeks when things were truly unbearable. They read articles and watched movies and listened to me cry to understand my brain as best they could. My brother checked in on me from states away - always managing to make me laugh even on the worst of days. My friends, (some of whom I had known for years, some of whom I had known for weeks) listened to me without judgement and made me realize I did not need to live like this. I even found out a couple of my newer friends also had OCD, and I’m grateful to them for speaking about their experiences to help me feel less isolated. I can never say thank you enough to all the people who showed me love and compassion this year.
After a year of turbulence, my 2024 came to a close with enough smiles and happiness to make up for the days that lacked it this summer. Some of my dearest friends visited me in Richmond (which I consider to be the greatest city in the world). My best friend Sunita came down for Christmas with her equally wonderful partner in tow, I reconnected with friends I hadn’t seen in years, I spent New Year’s Eve (one of my least favorite holidays) surrounded by the best friends a gal could ask for (yes I have multiple best friends, it’s impossible not to when you know the people I know), and I started 2025 in the most iconic way possible: running into a friend while looking for a parking spot at 1am, which had to be fate because I immediately found a spot afterwards.
To all of my family and my friends who are reading this now: thank you for the love, support, and compassion you have shown me this past year. I have always felt so lucky to be surrounded by such beautiful, loving people in my life. The only things that could drag me out of my spirals were a shared smile over coffee, a phone call, an inside joke, or a cheeky little voice memo from someone who I knew cared about me. I know I can get through anything with you all by my side!
Each year, in a tradition with my friends Leah & Rebecca, instead of setting resolutions, I pick a word to guide me through the year. My word for 2024 was “creative.” I took creative writing classes, wrote a song, and tried to be craftier. In a way, my brain did get very creative in the scenarios it tried to convinced me were real.
My word for 2025 is “intentional.” I want to be intentional in how I spend my time and my energy. I want to be intentional in my words and choices. I want to be intentional in giving myself space to breathe and grow.
Perhaps the stormed has passed or perhaps I’m just in the eye of it, with more to come in years ahead. Either way, I don’t have any expectations for 2025 - all I know is I am excited for the future and that is enough!
As Always, With Love,
From Cece
Keep reading below for a round up of some favorites from 2024 and a final note!
Best Reads (in the order I read them):
Wuthering Heights - Emily Brontë
The Flatshare - Beth O’Leary
Hijab Butch Blues - Lamya H.
This Time Next Year - Sophie Cousens
Bullet Train - Kōtarō Isaka
Yellowface - R.F. Kuang
Turtles All the Way Down - John Green
Songs I enjoyed this year (in no particular order)
Never Need Me - Rachel Chinouriri
Right Back to It - Waxahatchee, MJ Lenderman
Brakhage- Stereolab
Sweet Tooth - Maya Hawke
APT. - ROSE, Bruno Mars
God of Everything Else - Porridge Radio
Talking to Yourself - Carly Rae Jepsen
Good Luck Babe - Chappell Roan (duh!!!)
Peg - Steely Dan
Diet Pepsi - Addison Rae
…
One final note: I am wanting to become more serious about my writing this year, by taking more classes, perhaps submitting pieces for publication, etc. I was considering opening up paid subscriptions via Substack, but I really don’t like their platform and have heard it can be difficult for smaller publications. So, instead, I’m going to start including links to my PayPal and Venmo at the end of my newsletters. If you decide to support me in this way, please know that I will be investing this money into my writing by taking classes, covering submission fees, and perhaps buying the occasional coffee to kick start my brain… That being said, there is ZERO pressure to financially support my writing, just having people read my words is so beyond special to me! Wishing you all the best in the year ahead :)
Find my Venmo here
Find my PayPal here
So grateful you have found help and have people around you for support! I also appreciate the fact that you’re sharing this, because it will help someone else feel less isolated. You’re amazing!
Cece, thank you for this wonderful post. I know your new word for 2025 is intentional, but I think you already act in a very intentional way! Your writing is clear and impactful. In fact, you are inspiring ME to start some sort of on line journal. We shall see if that happens :)
Being a generation apart from you, I want you to know that even at the ripe old age of - say "mid sixties" - we still sometimes wrestle with who we are and who we want to be. The path to a more centered life is full of ups and downs, but having the courage to face what ails us and strive to work on it is half the battle. You already have that.
In deep admiration and love,
Julia