Silly Putty Heart
falling in love while the world is falling apart
My darling readers,
It’s been a while, hasn’t it? I apologize for the silence - an apology directed both to you and to myself. When I break from writing, I forget what it feels like to transform the untamed mess of my mind into something tangible. Right now, I am cutting through thick layers of kudzu that have climbed, coiled, and rooted their way into my thoughts and words. So, please bear with me if my writing is a bit rough around the edges today. (The answer is yes, I did have to look up if it was “bare” or “bear.”)
Before I get too far into the rest of my letter today (which will mostly be personal reflections, and it does get a bit sappy), I want to highlight the work of the Richmond Community Legal Fund here in my hometown. This org is working to support families impacted by ICE kidnappings, as well as a myriad of other legal issues people are facing as a result of the federal attacks on people’s lives and civil liberties. I highly encourage getting involved in local ICE watches, immigrant support networks, and any type of organization working to uplift people in YOUR community. There is work to be done by those of us who are not in constant fear of ourselves or someone we love being taken with no warning and with no goodbye. I cannot imagine what that feels like, and I am thinking often of Toni Morrison’s quote: “the function of freedom is to free somebody else.” And I suggest you keep that in mind too.
Sometimes working to enact change can feel both insurmountable and futile, and I can’t help but wonder if Sisyphus would find any peace in the fact that his eternal torture is so relatable to so many. (Carrie Bradshaw thought: I had to wonder - if Mr. Big was Sisyphus, was I waiting at the top of the hill? Or worse - was I the boulder?) Of course, feelings of futility and hopelessness are what those in control want us to feel, so we must continue to resist (and rest when needed). We are not Sisyphus!
You may be a bit confused by the out-of-place Carrie Bradshaw quote (although if you’re familiar with Carrie’s writing style, you probably understand the “I couldn’t help but wonder” reference). However, the rest of this letter will be veering into Carrie’s topic of choice (relationships). So, if you’re not interested in the whimsical nature of my heart, I understand! Now’s your chance to tap out, no questions asked. But, if you would like to read about my musings on finding love, I invite you to continue along.
I am forever amazed by the resilience of the heart - as dramatic as it sounds (and trust me, I know how it sounds), I genuinely thought I would never be in love again. A bad relationship, an even worse break up, and deep-rooted fear of people (at its worst, my OCD made even brushing against a stranger feel like life or death) led to a period of isolation in my life where I slowly accepted that I would never so much as hold hands with someone new again. (Spoiler: I did indeed hold hands with someone new…ish again.)
However, with time, therapy, and medication (shout out sertraline!), I began a slow and steady healing process that brought me out of my solitary mindset. Which was a huge relief because anyone who knows me well, knows that I am a hopeless romantic. I constantly watch and read rom-coms, I daydream freely and often, and I never take the immense awe of falling in love for granted. So when my heart took a break from its status quo of yearning, I felt extremely separated from my sense of self. Luckily now, the yearning continues (that happens to be the name of one of my favorite playlists I’ve made).
To open up your heart is an act of courage that is often overlooked. There is no guarantee for reciprocity, kindness, or even acknowledgment. And, as many before me have noted, if someone opens their heart back up to you, you now carry the omnipresent, looming threat of losing love. (Although, can love really be lost? Perhaps a topic for another day but hopefully you get the point.) To me, that has always been well worth the risk. And thank goodness for that because (if you haven’t caught on yet) I am, indeed, in love. And I do, indeed, want to tell everyone about it (which in this case, is you).
Imagine this: Ten years after graduating high school, you match on tinder with the cool (former) upperclassman who was the lead singer and guitarist in a band (aka they were cool). It’s a rare instance where the conversation is actually interesting and easy, so when they ask you out, you say yes (duh!). Before your first date, you almost vomit because you suddenly feel 15 again and are terrified of embarrassing yourself in front of your high school crush (to be fair, you had many high school crushes). But, you know it will be fun (hopefully), so off you go on a unseasonably warm March evening to sit and talk with an almost stranger (who you feel much closer to than you probably should).
On that first date, you definitely don’t mention that you still regularly listen to one of their songs. And certainly, you don’t bring up the fact that you once told your best friend you wished they would ask you to prom. Instead, you spend the evening realizing that your idea of who they were in high school, which is your only understanding of them up to this point, was wrong (… because duh…) and that this isn’t some case of mutual adolescent pining realized in adulthood.
Instead, it is a very normal, fun, and enjoyable first date. So, you go on a second date (which in some ways feels like another first date, since you have now let go of who you thought this person was, and instead are learning who they really are). And you very quickly realize that they are far more wonderful than you could have ever imagined. The dates continue, months filled with laughter and music and silliness pass, and after what feels like both forever and no time at all, you look into the warmest, bluest eyes and mumble “I love you.” To which they reply, “what?” Not because they are thrown off or confused or worried or upset, but because they truly could not hear you. So, you lift your face up and say it again. “I love you.”
“I love you too.”
I am very lucky because I don’t have to imagine this. I get to live in this sweet, sappy love story every day, and I do not take the beauty and awe of being able to love freely in this moment lightly. I am so grateful for my silly putty heart for shifting and smushing and sticking back together to make more room everyday for all who I love, including (of course) you all taking the time to read this. If you ever want to share your thoughts on love, I’d love to listen :)
As Always, With (LOTS of) Love,
From Cece
P.S. To my darling JJM: I love you, you’ll always be famous in my mind ;)
Song of the Sub: Friday I’m in Love by The Cure
Cece, you are an amazing writer in all ways. So happy you’re happy
I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS POST!!!!! Meeeeeeeep!!! 😭🫶🥹