hello and welcome to my very first substack! Please bear with me over the next few weeks as I figure out what I enjoy writing about and what you all enjoying reading about (feel free to give feedback). Today is a bit more of a personal essay, so welcome to my mind!
I have always, always, been fascinated with the power that hair has in completely transforming someone’s look. In my tweendom, I would stay up late watching YouTube videos on my iPod Touch of people cutting their own hair or bleaching it at home (often disastrously). Tired of watching others live out my hair dreams, I begged my mom to let me dye my hair red (inspired by Charlie McDonnell, a YouTuber who oddly enough just dyed her hair red again for the first time in over a decade). My astute skills of persuasion must have kicked in, because the night before my last day of middle school, I found myself on my bathroom floor, with my head flipped upside-down in the tub rinsing out my newly dyed “red” hair (really it was more of a copper, but I took what I could get at the time).
The next day, I walked into school absolutely beaming at my splotchy, tie-dyed red hair. Truthfully, hardly anyone noticed any difference, as all I really did was add a slight red hue to my hair. Still, for me it was the coolest way I could have ended eighth grade.
Last year, I finally got the chance to live out my 2012-dream of having firetruck red hair — or for RVA folks, “Bus Only” Lane red hair! It was beautiful and colorful and bright, but for some reason, whenever I saw my reflection, I didn’t quite feel like me. Very notably, I did not do this dye job, my incredibly talented friend Ryanne helped me out, and I am forever grateful to them for bringing my silly little wish to fruition.
Even with all the different colors I’ve had in my hair, I remained curious about the other ways in which I could radically change my appearance. Cue the thought of shaving my head entering my mind…
Even before I understood beauty standards, I knew that the act of shaving your head as a femme-presenting person held significance somehow. When I was growing up, if a woman had a shaved head, there was an assumption by the media surrounding me that she had to keep it short due to a medical condition or that she was going through a mental breakdown (leave Britney alone!). So, when I started to find videos of women shaving their heads simply because they wanted to during my YouTube deep dives, I became increasingly interested in the idea of shaving my head. (side note: obviously women and femme folks have been shaving their heads because of their own desire since forever, it just was not a narrative I was used to seeing based on my media consumption!)
Throughout high school, I had urges on and off to shave my head. However, I (like many teenagers) struggled with insecurity about my appearance, and I felt like I was not strong enough (™ boygenius) to shave my head, especially without a “logical” reason.
A decade later, as a woman in my mid-20s, I discovered that wanting to shave my head for over 10 years still didn’t feel like a good enough reason to do it. If someone asked me why I shaved my head, I wanted a “rational” answer to give them. I didn’t want to give people the space to make assumptions about my identity (namely my sexuality and my gender). Joke’s on me, of course, because people make assumptions about everyone, every day, all the time. I don’t even mean this in an overtly cynical way – it’s just how most people are wired.
It’s silly to think I could have any sort of control over other’s minds, but damn did I do a good job convincing myself I could. I decided to raise money for an amazing organization (the ASK Cancer Foundation) and committed to shaving my head if I raised a certain amount. That way I’d have a reason, and nobody could call me less feminine or tell me it was a bad decision. So, once I hit my fundraising goal, I walked over to my sweet friend Mae, and we shaved my head. if you pause the video at certain times, you’re in for some pretty silly hairstyles :)
As I write this now, I’m cringing at my bizarre need to rationalize my decision past “I just wanted to do it.” So, thank you for indulging me on this journey of self reflection on appearance. After all, hair is just dead skin cells, right? Well, the multi-billion-dollar salon and hair care industries would imply otherwise. In our society, your hair can say a lot – about your style, your status, and, as an extension, you. Really, all I can hope that my hair has said about me the past couple of months is: “wow, she must have wanted to shave her head!”
While I wish I had separated my fundraiser from the big chop, I can’t say I regret raising the money and maybe giving people incentive to donate (I know I’m not the only person watching those hair dyeing/cutting/shaving YouTube videos). It also helped me to hold myself accountable to my own goal! Whatever the reason ended up being, I’m glad I shaved my head - not because it gave me any life-altering clarity about my image of myself - but because I wanted to do it for a long time. Side note: the most jarring experience of it all was not seeing my reflection, but rather my shadow! Even with all my bright hair colors, my shadow remained unchanged until now…
song of the sub: Cut Your Hair by Pavement (because what else would it be…)
Follow the spotify playlist here and follow my journey on instagram here