When I sat down to watch the first episode of Monk, I can admit it was not in the best of conditions. It was 12:30am, a solid two hours past my usual bedtime. I had spent the entire evening caught in a series of thought spirals (to borrow a phrase from John Green’s book Turtles All the Way Down) that I could not dig myself out of. This particular night, I was so far stuck inside my mind that I had to cancel my weekend plans - something I am admittedly embarrassed to share, but what’s the point of writing personal essays on the internet if you’re not willing to lay it all out there, right? So, I found myself not in the comfort of my best friend’s conversation on a porch at the shore, but rather curled up in my bed exhausted from a night of ruminating, obsessing, and yes, even some crying, trying to distract my brain long enough to trick her into falling asleep.
This past spring, I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (OCD). While the diagnosis is recent, I have been experiencing OCD symptoms for almost a decade without having a name for it. Since getting diagnosed, I have been learning a lot about the disorder. Notably, I’ve learned that it takes most people over a decade to get a proper diagnosis and begin treatment for OCD because it is so misunderstood.
As a pre-teen and teenager, my main exposure to OCD was Emma Pillsbury on Glee - a very clean, orderly person who experiences extreme discomfort when things are not exactly in the right spot. For a long time, this is what I thought OCD looked like.
While this is a type of OCD people struggle with, sometimes called “just right” OCD, it is not reflective of all types of OCD, and definitely is not reflective of mine. I don’t have a spot for everything (ask any of my past roommates, I lose my keys and wallet multiple times a week), and I certainly do not organize my wardrobe or desk in any particular manner. I do share some of her cleaning tendencies (not including wiping off individual grapes, mainly because I don’t like grapes), but overall, I don’t see myself represented in her character.
If you’re new to the world of OCD, or don’t quite understand it, here’s how I explain it to the people in my life. Everyday, we have thousands of thoughts, many uncontrollable or out of left field. Sometimes a thought can be “intrusive,” meaning it’s distressing, weird, uncomfortable, disturbing, or unexpected in some way. Everyone has thoughts like these! They are completely normal. Most people can shrug them off and continue on their way. I cannot. These thoughts amplify in my head until I am unable to think of anything else, and then I must complete rituals, or compulsions, to calm myself down from a perceived threat my brain has convinced me is real. The compulsions can be physical (washing my hands or changing my shoes) or mental (replaying a memory to check if I did something wrong). Someone once described OCD as having a fire alarm that perceives all air (thoughts) as smoke (serious threats) - constantly sounding off warning bells in my mind.
I’ll give you an example from my actual life. (If you have OCD, maybe skip this part! This example specifically revolves around blood contamination. I don’t want to give anyone any ideas of new things to ruminate on.) The other night my sweet cat Jiji scratched me when we were playing. I have been scratched by many, many cats in my day, including by Jiji before, and often handle it just fine. However, this night, I was having a particularly hard time managing my obsessive thoughts. Jiji’s scratch broke my skin, so I was lightly bleeding. I immediately went to the nearest sink, which was in the kitchen, to clean my cut with soap and water - a very normal response. As I was drying my hands and going to get a bandaid, the thought that maybe some blood had dripped off my hand before I reached the sink entered my mind. I didn’t remember seeing anything dripping, and my cut was very minor, but I began to question my memory. From there, the spiral began: Maybe I was bleeding more but I forgot? Maybe I rubbed my finger all over our paper towels or the counter before I washed it? If my blood was on the couch or counter, what if someone came over and came into contact with it? Would they get sick? They probably would get sick because I was careless. It would be my fault. I would have put someone I care about in danger. I cause harm to people around me. I am a dangerous person to be around. I should not be around anyone.
This is a combination of Contamination OCD and False Memory OCD - which is incredibly scary, as it causes me to question my own memory and perception of a situation. I couldn’t stop thinking about the cut - and so, I began performing compulsions to alleviate my distress. I washed the cut multiple times and put on bandaids until I was absolutely sure it was completely covered. Then, I checked all the paper towels, stared at the chair where Jiji had scratched me for 10 minutes searching for any blood spots (there were none), and cleaned the entire kitchen sink and counter with disinfectant spray and wipes. In my mind, my house was contaminated, so I didn’t invite any friends over for a full 24 hours. I left my house during this time, but no one else came inside. Perhaps the most frustrating aspect of my OCD is that I recognize I am acting in a way that does not align with reality. The truth is, these threats feel SO real to me that it truly doesn’t matter if I realize I’m not being rational. I have to carry out my compulsions or else I am terrified something horrible and irreversible will happen.
Unfortunately, moments like this are pretty common in my day-to-day life as I work on management of my symptoms. In talking to my friends about it, I’ve come to find out that many people’s perception of OCD has been shaped not by Glee, but rather by Monk! Growing up, we were big Tony Shalhoub fans in my house (we still are! Tony if you’re reading this - Hi!). Despite having watched a lot of Monk as a child, I was too young to pick up on Monk’s mannerisms or to remember him having OCD. I also recently found out that one of Monk’s creators, David Hoberman, struggled with OCD himself. So, last Friday, at 12:30am, I put on “Mr. Monk and the Candidate,” the very first episode of the series, and settled in. Before I get too far into this, let me say: there are lots of opinions out there on the portrayal of OCD in media, including in Monk, so please note - this is just my take! Someone else’s experience could be very different.
The show opens with Monk at an active murder investigation, using his acute detective skills to piece together a gruesome crime. Almost immediately, Monk gets distracted by the thought that perhaps he left his stove on. (Remember, intrusive thoughts are normal! Many people have thoughts like this and are able to recognize, “I probably didn’t leave anything on. It’s okay.”) Monk, on the other hand, cannot shake this thought. He keeps coming back to it (ruminating), and asking Sharona, his practical nurse, for reassurance (which is a common compulsion and one I know all too well), in the midst of a crime scene. Within the first minute of the show, I was already noticing striking similarities and differences between me and Mr. Monk.
For starters, as my earlier story gave away, blood triggers fear and obsessive thinking for me. This doesn’t seem to be the case for Monk. Even being in the same room as someone who has an active cut can send me into a spiral, so I doubt I would be functioning in an active crime scene. But ruminating on a possible left-on appliance? Now that’s something I have struggled with for years. Back in 2019, I once had to take the subway home from school — approximately an hour round trip — because I was so nervous I had left the sink on by accident. (It was off.) OCD thrives on uncertainty, so anything that is not 100% certain (which is, of course, most things), can lead to a spiral. Monk’s common compulsion of using his sleeves or a wet wipe to clean a surface before he touches it or to clean his hands after he touches a surface is something I do quite often. I sanitize and wash my hands frequently, a habit picked up in 2020 that has worsened recently.
One of the relationships I keep getting stuck on is between Monk and his nurse, Sharona. Let me be clear: I love Sharona. She is an amazing character, full of humor and joy, and Bitty Schram, the actress who plays her, is remarkable. However, from my understanding of OCD, a lot of her actions could be harmful to Monk’s recovery. She constantly provides him reassurance and plays into his compulsions, like always handing him sanitizing wipes immediately after he shakes a hand. Research shows that the more you give into compulsions, the worse your OCD will get because it legitimizes those silly (which can feel very scary), no-good intrusive thoughts! OCD treatment is focused on exposing yourself to the things that scare you and accepting the uncertainty - primarily through a type of therapy called Exposure Response Prevention (ERP). At the same time, Sharona does pull him out of ruminations and force him into some exposures. So, like most things, it’s not all one way or the other. I’m not sure though how much of the show, if any, will focus on Monk’s recovery. But, if it does take that route, I hope to see a push towards accepting uncertainty instead of playing into compulsions.
Despite not seeing a full representation of myself in Monk, there was one moment in the first episode, where I realized that I understood Monk and (suspending the fact that he is a character in a tv show and not a real person) Monk understood me:
Sharona: You're going straight to hell.
Monk: I am in hell.
This quote recognizes that OCD is not a superpower, despite it sometimes being talked about like one by others in the show. It is a cruel disorder that often makes people, myself included, feel trapped in their own personal hell that no one else can see, hear, or understand.
OCD does not mean my room is clean, my shirts are ironed, my fridge is neatly arranged based on food group. OCD does not turn my life into a color-coded, well-organized binder. OCD turns my life into a nightmare. It turns things like walking to work, going to dinner with a friend, holding hands with a crush, things that used to make me so happy - into impossibly difficult tasks that can take me hours to calm down from. Some days, it’s hard to imagine a life where I don’t feel like I do right now. However, I remain radically optimistic that I will get better, because I refuse to accept the alternative.
It’s nice to know I have an ally in Mr. Monk in the meantime.
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This is a bit of a different type of essay than I’ve done before - so let me know your take! Did you like it? Did you not like it? Do you want to know more about my experience as a 26 year old with OCD watching Monk in full for the first time? Are you already sick of OCD content? I’m truly open to all thoughts and opinions.
My dear friends, thank you (yes, you!) for taking the time to read my thoughts. I’m so grateful for the love and support in my life, it’s made this process manageable, and you all are a part of that!
As Always,
From Cece, With Love
P.S. Song of the sub is My Sharona by the Knacks, dedicated to my roommate Emma who is MY Sharona (but in a much healthier way than on the show) <3
Thanks for honestly sharing more about OCD, which I don’t know much about, and your challenge to work through it. We believe in your abilities. From Gwen, With Love!